Power Of Touch / Skin Hungry?

Some people react very negatively (freeze, fight, fawn response) to people touching them, their clothes, their hair or jewelry. Being triggered in this way by touch is a trauma response.

A more likely (‘normal’) response is acceptance, mild discomfort, or mild pleasure from the contact.

At the other end of the spectrum, for people who are touch starved (known as skin hungry), they may react extremely positively to people touching them, their clothes, their hair or jewelry. The physical contact releases the cuddle hormone, decreases the stress hormone, is soothing, reduces aggression, and builds rapport.

In my experience, political correctness encourages the ‘don’t touch me’ response to be louder and more reactive than the ‘please touch me’ response.

It may seem easy to resolve this .. just ask before you touch someone. Hmm, not that easy. Based on the consent model we use, just because someone has consented to being touched in one context, doesn’t give consent for you to touch them in another context, or later in the same evening, or another time. Hence, being given consent for a hug, doesn’t entitle you to pat them on the shoulder, or brush past them later in the evening, and being able to hug them today doesn’t give consent to hug next time.

Asking to touch someone every time you brush past, or patting them on the shoulder is often impractical during the flow of the evening, or interrupting conversations. My current process option is to ask when possible, but then avoid any kind of contact at all.

In a professional/business context ““shaking hands is okay; fist bumps, high fives—this is just hand-to-hand contact. A light tap on the shoulder, a quick pat on the back that’s less than five seconds, those tend to be okay…. [and] definitely don’t touch any part of a co-worker’s body that’s not their arms, shoulders, or upper back.”*

I could try and get blanket consent, “Can I touch you anytime in x way, and let me know if that changes”, but that then requires that I remember individuals’ different preferences, without fail. A tall order.

Perhaps the best option is to join/form a smaller group of likeminded friends you know and trust with who you can comfortably practice ongoing consensual physical touch without ramification.